Dear You - An Open Letter to her Abuser
Dear You,
I never thought I was in any way, shape or form abused until I left you or should I say had you removed by force. That is until I found those photos you made me do, in the pictures I was crying!!! Then and there a cloud was lifted, I wasn't going mad and I wasn't stupid or anything else you told me. I could survive without you, I didn't need you.
Saturday, 29 July 2017
Religion and Domestic Violence
Religion and Domestic Violence
Why consider the religious or spiritual issues of Religion and Domestic Violence?
....because these are fundamental not only to the believing victim and abuser as well as their Church, but also to all those who live in a culture which is largely based upon Christian and other Religions' moral values and traditions.
When considering Religion and Domestic Violence we have to realize that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of
church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and
Why consider the religious or spiritual issues of Religion and Domestic Violence?
....because these are fundamental not only to the believing victim and abuser as well as their Church, but also to all those who live in a culture which is largely based upon Christian and other Religions' moral values and traditions.
When considering Religion and Domestic Violence we have to realize that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of
church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and
Domestic violence and Children
Domestic Violence and Children
The topic of domestic violence and children is quite a vast one. Where there are children involved in an abusive relationship, even when the parents think or hope that the children are not directly affected by what is going on between the parents, that is a fallacy.
Children are often described as the
The topic of domestic violence and children is quite a vast one. Where there are children involved in an abusive relationship, even when the parents think or hope that the children are not directly affected by what is going on between the parents, that is a fallacy.
Children are often described as the
Men are Victims too!!!
Can men be abuse victims too or is it only women who are abused?
The simple reply to this question is YES. Men can also be the victims in abusive and violent relationships, they can be emotionally, financially, physically and sexually assaulted and abused. I do not want to get into an argument about who does most abusing, nor which sex is the more aggressive. Suffice it to say that some men are
The simple reply to this question is YES. Men can also be the victims in abusive and violent relationships, they can be emotionally, financially, physically and sexually assaulted and abused. I do not want to get into an argument about who does most abusing, nor which sex is the more aggressive. Suffice it to say that some men are
Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Leaving despite Fear
When you are in an abusive relationship, you feel fear. And more often than not, you have to leave it to be safe and whole again. But how do you go about leaving despite fear of retaliation or even death? Jill Curtis has a few suggestions to make it easier for you:
When you are in an abusive relationship, you feel fear. And more often than not, you have to leave it to be safe and whole again. But how do you go about leaving despite fear of retaliation or even death? Jill Curtis has a few suggestions to make it easier for you:
Myths and Facts of Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence Myths and Facts
Domestic violence myths abound. Nearly everyone we bump into will have some form of preconception on what domestic violence actually is, why abusers abuse and why victims are victimized.
In the same way as we tend to have a stereotypical picture of what domestic abuse is, we have similar pictures of what sort of person both the abused and the abuser are. We may assume the abused will have originated from a family where abuse took place, may have been abused themselves during childhood, may be poor, unkempt or uneducated. Some people believe the victim actually enjoys being abused in some masochistic way (!?!), or is encouraging it because
Domestic violence myths abound. Nearly everyone we bump into will have some form of preconception on what domestic violence actually is, why abusers abuse and why victims are victimized.
In the same way as we tend to have a stereotypical picture of what domestic abuse is, we have similar pictures of what sort of person both the abused and the abuser are. We may assume the abused will have originated from a family where abuse took place, may have been abused themselves during childhood, may be poor, unkempt or uneducated. Some people believe the victim actually enjoys being abused in some masochistic way (!?!), or is encouraging it because
The Abuse Victim
The Abuse Victim
In domestic abuse there are so many myths and preconceptions surrounding abuse victims, and we, as domestic violence victims ourselves are often just as confused as those family, friends and professionals looking in from the outside.
Abuse Victim Characteristics
Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:
In domestic abuse there are so many myths and preconceptions surrounding abuse victims, and we, as domestic violence victims ourselves are often just as confused as those family, friends and professionals looking in from the outside.
Abuse Victim Characteristics
Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include:
Wednesday, 26 July 2017
Resentment by Lori Radun, CEC
Resentment
By: Lori Radun, CEC
Over 20 years ago, my mother disowned me for a period of 10 years of my life. It wasn't something I could ever imagine doing to one of my children, but it happened. It was one of the most painful times of my life. I was angry at her. I got married and gave birth to my first child and she wasn't there. I missed her and longed for a mother-daughter relationship. I cried a lot. Today my mother and I have a beautiful relationship and I am so grateful for our reconciliation. As a matter of fact, her birthday card to me this year said, "You are the best daughter". Did this relationship we have today happen overnight? The answer is no. At the core of our relationship today is forgiveness.
What is forgiveness?
"Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans aspire to - 94% surveyed in a nationwide Gallup poll said it was important to forgive-in the same survey; only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others."
I don't think a single person can escape life without experiencing hurt by another person. Maybe the hurt is angry words spoken during an argument or a friend who surprises you with betrayal. Perhaps the pain comes from emotional neglect, infidelity, divorce or even sexual and physical abuse. Sometimes the hurt is a one time event. Other times the pain continues for a long time.
Forgiveness is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows you to move forward with the other person and experience a new relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.
Why forgive?
First and foremost, God commands us to forgive. In Mark 11:25-26, it says "And when you stand in praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins."
You might be saying, "But you don't understand what's been done to me." And you're right; I don't know all the hurts you've endured. However, I know from experience that it pays to forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of strength - not weakness. It is the strong who can put aside the past and let go of anger and resentment. My mom comes from a large family, with seven brothers and sisters. There has been a lot of sibling rivalry, and I'm always amazed at the amount of resentment that still remains in the family today.
Anger and resentment drains your energy, and keeps you imprisoned by your past. By choosing to let go of your hurt and anger, you give yourself the freedom to fully experience joy in life. Anger builds inside us, so by letting go, you improve your ability to control your anger. We've all seen the person who blows up at the smallest incident. It is the accumulation of built up anger that is unreleased that causes this explosion. So many diseases, like heart disease and cancer, can be triggered by unresolved resentment. By choosing to forgive, you can dramatically improve your emotional and physical health.
Without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your own personal and relational growth.
What forgiveness is not?
Forgiveness does not mean you allow people to treat you badly. It does not mean you ignore the wrongdoings. It means you accept that the person has made a mistake, and you are choosing to grant them mercy. When you forgive someone, you won't necessarily forget the hurt. I will always remember the pain I felt when my mom disowned me, but I do not dwell on it, and I do not let it interfere with the quality of our relationship today. I have allowed myself to heal and move on. Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning or excusing the person's behavior. And it doesn't mean you have to trust that person again. Some acts, like physical and sexual abuse, require that you limit your trust or at least test the trust with the person who hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is more for you than the other person.
The process of forgiving
So you've thought about it and you're ready to forgive. You're tired of holding on to old pain and you've decided it's time to let go and move on. What do you do? First, you must face and release the anger that you feel. On the surface of the hurt is anger and you need to break away that layer first. Underneath the anger is the pain and hurt that you must grieve. There are many ways to release anger and hurt. You can talk about it with trusted people. You can spend time journaling. You can pray about it and ask God to take away that pain and resentment. You can express your feelings to the person who hurt you, provided that it's possible to have a healthy conversation where both you and the other person speak and listen in respectful ways.
One of the best and most cleansing ways to release your negative feelings is to write a letter to your perpetrator. In this letter, you pour out every emotion you feel. You tell them everything that hurt you and everything they did to make you angry. Do not hold anything back. Allow yourself to really feel the anger and cry the tears by reading it out loud to yourself. When you are done, burn or bury the letter as a symbol that you are ready to move on. DO NOT give the letter to the person. This letter is for you and you only.
After processing all your emotions, you are ready to make the choice to forgive. It is a choice that requires compassion, understanding and an open and loving heart. When my mother and I first reconciled, we talked about our feelings. Sometimes we even fought because the pain was still fresh. But we listened to one another and we tried to get inside each other's shoes. It wasn't easy, but today, even though I don't agree with some of my mother's beliefs, I have compassion and understanding for who she is and why she made the choice she did. I love her regardless of our differences.
Each of us makes mistakes in life. At one time or another (probably more than one time), we will hurt another person. Maybe it will be an accident, or perhaps it will be a purposeful reaction to someone hurting you. When this does happen, do you want to be forgiven? Do you want another chance to make amends? Most people don't mean to hurt us - they are dealing with their own pain and unresolved resentment. It's unfortunate that we take it out on our loved ones, but until we break the cycle, it will continue to happen.
Are you ready to break the cycle and do your part to forgive?
Author Bio
Lori Radun, CEC is a certified life coach, speaker and author for moms.
By: Lori Radun, CEC
Over 20 years ago, my mother disowned me for a period of 10 years of my life. It wasn't something I could ever imagine doing to one of my children, but it happened. It was one of the most painful times of my life. I was angry at her. I got married and gave birth to my first child and she wasn't there. I missed her and longed for a mother-daughter relationship. I cried a lot. Today my mother and I have a beautiful relationship and I am so grateful for our reconciliation. As a matter of fact, her birthday card to me this year said, "You are the best daughter". Did this relationship we have today happen overnight? The answer is no. At the core of our relationship today is forgiveness.
What is forgiveness?
"Forgiveness is something virtually all Americans aspire to - 94% surveyed in a nationwide Gallup poll said it was important to forgive-in the same survey; only 48% said they usually tried to forgive others."
I don't think a single person can escape life without experiencing hurt by another person. Maybe the hurt is angry words spoken during an argument or a friend who surprises you with betrayal. Perhaps the pain comes from emotional neglect, infidelity, divorce or even sexual and physical abuse. Sometimes the hurt is a one time event. Other times the pain continues for a long time.
Forgiveness is a necessary step to healing from pain. It is a choice to extend mercy to the person who hurt you. Sometimes forgiveness allows you to move forward with the other person and experience a new relationship. Other times, reconciliation is not possible. In this case, forgiveness is more for you and your own personal growth.
Why forgive?
First and foremost, God commands us to forgive. In Mark 11:25-26, it says "And when you stand in praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins."
You might be saying, "But you don't understand what's been done to me." And you're right; I don't know all the hurts you've endured. However, I know from experience that it pays to forgive. Forgiveness is a sign of strength - not weakness. It is the strong who can put aside the past and let go of anger and resentment. My mom comes from a large family, with seven brothers and sisters. There has been a lot of sibling rivalry, and I'm always amazed at the amount of resentment that still remains in the family today.
Anger and resentment drains your energy, and keeps you imprisoned by your past. By choosing to let go of your hurt and anger, you give yourself the freedom to fully experience joy in life. Anger builds inside us, so by letting go, you improve your ability to control your anger. We've all seen the person who blows up at the smallest incident. It is the accumulation of built up anger that is unreleased that causes this explosion. So many diseases, like heart disease and cancer, can be triggered by unresolved resentment. By choosing to forgive, you can dramatically improve your emotional and physical health.
Without forgiveness, you cannot move forward in your own personal and relational growth.
What forgiveness is not?
Forgiveness does not mean you allow people to treat you badly. It does not mean you ignore the wrongdoings. It means you accept that the person has made a mistake, and you are choosing to grant them mercy. When you forgive someone, you won't necessarily forget the hurt. I will always remember the pain I felt when my mom disowned me, but I do not dwell on it, and I do not let it interfere with the quality of our relationship today. I have allowed myself to heal and move on. Forgiveness does not mean you are condoning or excusing the person's behavior. And it doesn't mean you have to trust that person again. Some acts, like physical and sexual abuse, require that you limit your trust or at least test the trust with the person who hurt you. Remember, forgiveness is more for you than the other person.
The process of forgiving
So you've thought about it and you're ready to forgive. You're tired of holding on to old pain and you've decided it's time to let go and move on. What do you do? First, you must face and release the anger that you feel. On the surface of the hurt is anger and you need to break away that layer first. Underneath the anger is the pain and hurt that you must grieve. There are many ways to release anger and hurt. You can talk about it with trusted people. You can spend time journaling. You can pray about it and ask God to take away that pain and resentment. You can express your feelings to the person who hurt you, provided that it's possible to have a healthy conversation where both you and the other person speak and listen in respectful ways.
One of the best and most cleansing ways to release your negative feelings is to write a letter to your perpetrator. In this letter, you pour out every emotion you feel. You tell them everything that hurt you and everything they did to make you angry. Do not hold anything back. Allow yourself to really feel the anger and cry the tears by reading it out loud to yourself. When you are done, burn or bury the letter as a symbol that you are ready to move on. DO NOT give the letter to the person. This letter is for you and you only.
After processing all your emotions, you are ready to make the choice to forgive. It is a choice that requires compassion, understanding and an open and loving heart. When my mother and I first reconciled, we talked about our feelings. Sometimes we even fought because the pain was still fresh. But we listened to one another and we tried to get inside each other's shoes. It wasn't easy, but today, even though I don't agree with some of my mother's beliefs, I have compassion and understanding for who she is and why she made the choice she did. I love her regardless of our differences.
Each of us makes mistakes in life. At one time or another (probably more than one time), we will hurt another person. Maybe it will be an accident, or perhaps it will be a purposeful reaction to someone hurting you. When this does happen, do you want to be forgiven? Do you want another chance to make amends? Most people don't mean to hurt us - they are dealing with their own pain and unresolved resentment. It's unfortunate that we take it out on our loved ones, but until we break the cycle, it will continue to happen.
Are you ready to break the cycle and do your part to forgive?
Author Bio
Lori Radun, CEC is a certified life coach, speaker and author for moms.
Art of Listening & Leadership- Osama El-Kadi
Art of Listening & Leadership - Bill Clinton Shows the Way
By: Osama El-Kadi
I attended a two days "Leaders in London" Conference end of last year. The speakers' line-up was impressive. Tuesday started with Mr Mikhail Gorbachiv (in person), Professor Marvin Zonis, Alan Leighton, Terence Conran, Lou Gerstner, Professor Clayton Christensen of Harvard and many others including the one and only Bill Clinton (live via Satellite).
On the Art Of Listening and Leadership - "Something I have been trying to learn for the last 25 years" I want to share with you the lesson and the leadership by example that Bill Clinton tough us all in the conference on the art of listening.
After he made his speech, he started taking questions. I asked one too, the President and the audience were visibly amused by my name especially after assuring them that "I am the nice one".
Among the attendees there was a lady who didn't speak good English and earlier in the day when she was given the microphone to ask a question, she went on and on for 5 minutes and no one understood what she was trying to ask or say and we all laughed. When it came to Clinton question time, she raised her hand again to ask a question, the moderator warned her to be quick and to the point. The lady took the Microphone and started to rumble on and on. Again it seemed that no one understood what she was saying, people started to laugh, boo, clap their hand for her to stop. After a few minutes of this saga the moderator cut her microphone off and gave the question time to someone else. People were cheering his decision to move on, after all no one wanted to be embarrassed in front off the great president.
While all this saga was taking place and all of us laughing and disapproving of this behaviour from the lady, only one person was NOT laughing, Bill Clinton. In fact he leaned forward to the camera and put his hand on his ears and focused intently and seriously. 30 minutes passed while he answered a few other questions from the audience and when the time came to close, he said very politely; Wait Rene, before you close... Earlier on a lady asked me a long question and I would like to talk about that for a minute.
The hall dropped into silence, he continued by saying, in fact the lady made a very important point, and he went on to summarize her point which was about families in the developing world (none of the audience knew that), and he asked to be allowed to answer this important question, which he himself put together from her scattered little stories before we the audience interrupted and stopped her.
Now I began to understand at the hands of the guru of leadership and listening in practice and what he was trying to teach by his actions. When we JUDGE any one or any thing, we stop listening. It seems that the act of judgment trigger some chemicals in our ears that physically stops us from listening. Pre-judgment seems to be the mother of all sins on this planet. There seems to be no other solution to world problems but the forgotten art of listening and stopping judgement. This is what I learned that day and I hope it stays with me forever.
This was also an impressive performance by a world leader who is not only very intelligent but also listens very seriously to what people are saying.
I will never forget this incident which taught me a lot about leadership and what listening is all about and here I am humbly sharing my experience with you hoping that it adds a little to our understanding of the Art of listening.
Author Bio
Osama El-kadi
Born 1955 in Manchester England Osama El-Kadi graduated in 1978 with a BSC in Economics followed by an MA in International Business from Alexandria University
By: Osama El-Kadi
I attended a two days "Leaders in London" Conference end of last year. The speakers' line-up was impressive. Tuesday started with Mr Mikhail Gorbachiv (in person), Professor Marvin Zonis, Alan Leighton, Terence Conran, Lou Gerstner, Professor Clayton Christensen of Harvard and many others including the one and only Bill Clinton (live via Satellite).
On the Art Of Listening and Leadership - "Something I have been trying to learn for the last 25 years" I want to share with you the lesson and the leadership by example that Bill Clinton tough us all in the conference on the art of listening.
After he made his speech, he started taking questions. I asked one too, the President and the audience were visibly amused by my name especially after assuring them that "I am the nice one".
Among the attendees there was a lady who didn't speak good English and earlier in the day when she was given the microphone to ask a question, she went on and on for 5 minutes and no one understood what she was trying to ask or say and we all laughed. When it came to Clinton question time, she raised her hand again to ask a question, the moderator warned her to be quick and to the point. The lady took the Microphone and started to rumble on and on. Again it seemed that no one understood what she was saying, people started to laugh, boo, clap their hand for her to stop. After a few minutes of this saga the moderator cut her microphone off and gave the question time to someone else. People were cheering his decision to move on, after all no one wanted to be embarrassed in front off the great president.
While all this saga was taking place and all of us laughing and disapproving of this behaviour from the lady, only one person was NOT laughing, Bill Clinton. In fact he leaned forward to the camera and put his hand on his ears and focused intently and seriously. 30 minutes passed while he answered a few other questions from the audience and when the time came to close, he said very politely; Wait Rene, before you close... Earlier on a lady asked me a long question and I would like to talk about that for a minute.
The hall dropped into silence, he continued by saying, in fact the lady made a very important point, and he went on to summarize her point which was about families in the developing world (none of the audience knew that), and he asked to be allowed to answer this important question, which he himself put together from her scattered little stories before we the audience interrupted and stopped her.
Now I began to understand at the hands of the guru of leadership and listening in practice and what he was trying to teach by his actions. When we JUDGE any one or any thing, we stop listening. It seems that the act of judgment trigger some chemicals in our ears that physically stops us from listening. Pre-judgment seems to be the mother of all sins on this planet. There seems to be no other solution to world problems but the forgotten art of listening and stopping judgement. This is what I learned that day and I hope it stays with me forever.
This was also an impressive performance by a world leader who is not only very intelligent but also listens very seriously to what people are saying.
I will never forget this incident which taught me a lot about leadership and what listening is all about and here I am humbly sharing my experience with you hoping that it adds a little to our understanding of the Art of listening.
Author Bio
Osama El-kadi
Born 1955 in Manchester England Osama El-Kadi graduated in 1978 with a BSC in Economics followed by an MA in International Business from Alexandria University
Sunday, 16 October 2016
An open letter to her Abuser...Anon.
An Open Letter to her Abuser
The normal, everyday items that hang around the house are ready to change, to turn into something terrifying, sinister. A doll, propped up against the computer table is staring at me as I walk by and as I turn my back I can see it in my mind jump down looking evil, after me. The plant on the sideboard shivers slightly in the draft near the door, startling me, expecting something or someone to jump out from behind the curtain. I reach into the fridge to pull out a can. Just opening the fridge was bad enough, as though something unexpected was lurking inside. But my right hand holding the door feels exposed, I cannot see the other side of the door and my fingers tingle, waiting for something to grab them. I shut the fridge quickly, panicking. Turning the lights off as I progress back through the house is terrifying. As the lights go out, my back faces darkness, an unknown danger. Mirrors must be avoided, what will I see behind me when I look into them? Darkened windows are sinister. Will there be someone the other side or will they show you approaching me from behind. I go up the stairs, the wood creaks beneath my shoes and behind me. They do not sound like my footsteps. In the children's bedrooms I turn off the lamps and the huddled shapes under the duvets are monsters which will spring out to attack me as I walk through the door. A sleeping bag on the floor looks like a dead body. I cannot sit with my back to a door or open space. I need to see everything around me to check constantly that it has not changed. I am always ready to flee. Startle at the wind pounding the window, the drip in the water tank, the cat jumping off a top, a knock on the door and the ring of the phone. I lie in bed tense, too tense to sleep, late into the night, wide awake. Then come the dreams, deformed cats appearing between stairs, an island which keeps changing, you, chasing me through the night, and I wake more tired than I went to bed. The chink of glass as I misjudge the distance between the pumps at work, the bar door opened by punters I saw coming, the sudden squirt as a barrel runs out, the click of the glass-washer as the cycle ends, the sound of a crisp packet being suddenly torn, someone brushing into me as they walk past. When will it all stop startling me, making my heart miss a beat and my pulse race? Nothing is safe. Everywhere danger is lurking. Everything is a threat. I can reason with myself. I tell myself that I am just jumpy, nervous and that everything is normal, just toys, just clothes strewn around, the same room light or dark. The doors are locked, the windows closed and all the children asleep in bed until the morning. I tell myself I am over the top, paranoid, there is nothing to be scared of. Not now. And I tell myself to breathe slow, to breathe deep, and try not to run from my shadow. Thanks, this is what you have done to me. You have destroyed my world. The world which was safe, which I knew, you took away. Time and time again you told me I was safe, that you loved me, that you would not hurt me. And time and time again you betrayed that trust, you hurt me, you, who had assured me security.And I say to you in my mind. Thanks, this is what you have done to me. You have destroyed my world. The world which was safe, which I knew, you took away. Time and time again you told me I was safe, that you loved me, that you would not hurt me. And time and time again you betrayed that trust, you hurt me, you, who had assured me security. You took away my belief in a friendly safe world and replaced it with fear. The most intimate, normal and known things died and were changed into evil, dangerous, threatening objects. I cannot be sure that anything is as it appears to be. And you did that to me. And you say with a smile, don't dwell on the past. Draw a line under it and move on. But do you flinch when you're touched? Startle at passing cars? Shriek when a child wakes you at night or steps out of the dark? Are you trapped in your nightmares? Chased in your car from within? Or scared in the light? How do you feel when you know we must meet. Does your stomach churn or your head spin? Do your hands feel cold and clammy? Do you hear yourself talk from far, far away? So I carry on. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow there won't be monsters lurking behind the eyes of a doll, under the table, outside the window, behind the mirror, behind my back. Tomorrow I'll get up and the world will have changed. It will be a safe, friendly place to live again. My hand will be steady as I light a cigarette and drink my tea. And I'll step out the door as everyone does, knowing things are okay. But that is tomorrow. Tonight I will try to visit the bathroom and not flee back up the stairs from the dark. Tonight I will try to get into bed without hands gripping my feet as I climb in. Tonight I will try not to panic as the cat moves in his sleep. Tonight I will try to block out the sounds of some evil thing moving downstairs. Tonight I will try to just go to sleep without curling up into a ball. Tonight I will try not to sink straight back into the country I've seen so often before. Tonight I will try not to be scared.
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